Musings on My Desire to Have Children

Monday morning on my way to work, I was thinking about a conversation I had with friends the other day about how many kids I want to have someday (after I'm married, of course). For the past 7 years or so, I've thought that 4-10 kids would be the ideal number of children for me.

Although I've always said that I would be happy with "however many kids God gives me," on Monday morning I realized that wasn't really true. While I was thinking about this conversation, it was as though God asked me, "Adri, would you be happy with 2 children?" Yes, I thought, I would be...well, maybe not happy, but I could be content. But then God asked me, "What if I don't give you any children, Adri, would be you content then? You say you'll be happy with whatever I give you...what if I give you no children at all?"

And I realized that I could not even be content with not having any children...even now, typing this, I am nearly brought to tears - not the good kind, but the ones of bitterness and anger - at the thought of never having children. It's something I've always wanted, but if that's not God's will for my life, what am I supposed to do? What will that mean for my relationship with him?

Obviously, this is something I still need to work out. This is an area of my life that I only just realized is not surrendered to God...and I'm not sure that I want to surrender it. This is a time of testing for me. Will I surrender my deepest desires to him? Or will I hold onto them and let them come between us? The easy answer is that I will surrender it, but that's not necessarily an honest answer. And I think it's important to be honest, with God, with myself, and with others.

God in a Box

A few weekends ago, driving home from the Chico Wildflower with my friend and her husband, our conversation turned towards how different God's plan is for each of us.

I was telling them about how I'm going to grad school next year to earn my MA degree and that I wasn't particularly excited about it (I'm finally starting to get excited though!), but I feel strongly that I am supposed to teach at community college and of course, in order to do that I need an MA.

Growing up, I always thought I would be married by this time in my life, probably with at least one kid either born or on the way. The last thing I ever thought was that I would have just received a BA and be gearing up to obtain an MA. My parents friends would look at me and my older sister and say that I would probably get married before her. My sister and fellow blogger was always the one who wanted to go to college and then get a post-grad degree, probably in law.

But God had different plans for us, and that's a good thing.

As we were talking, my friend Miranda shared how she'd always thought it wasn't very smart to get married young. But here she is, 22-years-old, and married to the love of her life.

And that's a good thing, too.

Because God can't be put in a box. We rarely know what his plans are for us until he shows us - and he has a unique plan for each individual. What his plan is for someone else may not be - probably is not - his plan for you.

And I'm glad that's the case, because it means that God doesn't put us in a box, either.

Hit the Brakes #2: Taking a "Sabbath"

Having grown up in a Christian home, the idea of taking a "Sabbath," or a day of rest, is certainly not foreign to me. However, I always thought that taking a Sabbath meant coming home from church on Sunday and taking a nap for a few hours in the afternoon. Recently, I've discovered that it could actually look quite different from that.

For the past several months, I've been serving as a student leader with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at the college I attend. As a student leader I'm required to attend several different leadership retreats throughout the year and one of the things emphasized at those retreats is the importance of taking a time of rest each week. Taking a Sabbath, I've learned, means doing something that refreshes me, brings me closer to God, and renews my perspective on life. While ideally I would set aside an entire day for rest, if I'm simply too busy to do that, just a few hours a week can make a difference.

Last semester I did not make it a habit to have a Sabbath each week; this semester, however, I decided to make it a priority. Between working approximately 30 hours each week, going to school, serving on leadership, and doing various other things, I knew that I would be constantly frazzled if I didn't make a point of setting aside time just for non-sleeping rest.

One of the great things about taking a Sabbath, I've learned, is that even though the Sabbath is traditionally a Saturday (or Sunday), it can actually be taken any day of the week. It just so happens that I take my time of rest on Sunday mornings, since my church doesn't start until 12:30PM.

For the past few weeks, I've been spending every Sunday morning from around 10AM to noon at Starbucks, reading a book about Christian worldview that I've been wanting to read for years but could never find the time to read. I never thought this would happen, but those couple hours each week have come to mean so much to me and I've grown quite protective of them. It's in those moments that I find peace and refreshment and strength for the next week. I'm not worrying about school or work or anything else. It's just me, God, my book, and a cup of coffee. And it's beautiful.

If you've never tried taking a time of rest each week, I encourage you to do it for one month and then decide what you think. Figure out what you enjoy doing, what speaks to you. For some people, this could be taking a walk outside, knitting, listening to music, going for a run or bike ride, playing pool alone, or something else entirely. Make this a time that is just for you and God without the distractions of friends, school, work, or family. I think you'll find that you don't want to give it up.