Monday morning on my way to work, I was thinking about a conversation I had
with friends the other day about how many kids I want to have someday (after I'm married, of course).
For the past 7 years or so, I've thought that 4-10 kids would be the
ideal number of children for me.
Although I've always said that I would
be happy with "however many kids God gives me," on Monday morning I realized
that wasn't really true. While I was thinking about this conversation,
it was as though God asked me, "Adri, would you be happy with 2
children?" Yes, I thought, I would be...well, maybe not happy, but I
could be content. But then God asked me, "What if I don't give you any
children, Adri, would be you content then? You say you'll be happy with
whatever I give you...what if I give you no children at all?"
And I
realized that I could not even be content with not having any
children...even now, typing this, I am nearly brought to tears - not the good kind, but the ones of bitterness and anger - at the
thought of never having children. It's something I've always wanted, but
if that's not God's will for my life, what am I supposed to do? What
will that mean for my relationship with him?
Obviously, this is something
I still need to work out. This is an area of my life that I only just
realized is not surrendered to God...and I'm not sure that I want to
surrender it. This is a time of testing for me. Will I surrender my
deepest desires to him? Or will I hold onto them and let them come
between us? The easy answer is that I will surrender it, but that's not
necessarily an honest answer. And I think it's important to be honest,
with God, with myself, and with others.
