Monday morning on my way to work, I was thinking about a conversation I had
with friends the other day about how many kids I want to have someday (after I'm married, of course).
For the past 7 years or so, I've thought that 4-10 kids would be the
ideal number of children for me.
Although I've always said that I would
be happy with "however many kids God gives me," on Monday morning I realized
that wasn't really true. While I was thinking about this conversation,
it was as though God asked me, "Adri, would you be happy with 2
children?" Yes, I thought, I would be...well, maybe not happy, but I
could be content. But then God asked me, "What if I don't give you any
children, Adri, would be you content then? You say you'll be happy with
whatever I give you...what if I give you no children at all?"
And I
realized that I could not even be content with not having any
children...even now, typing this, I am nearly brought to tears - not the good kind, but the ones of bitterness and anger - at the
thought of never having children. It's something I've always wanted, but
if that's not God's will for my life, what am I supposed to do? What
will that mean for my relationship with him?
Obviously, this is something
I still need to work out. This is an area of my life that I only just
realized is not surrendered to God...and I'm not sure that I want to
surrender it. This is a time of testing for me. Will I surrender my
deepest desires to him? Or will I hold onto them and let them come
between us? The easy answer is that I will surrender it, but that's not
necessarily an honest answer. And I think it's important to be honest,
with God, with myself, and with others.
Yes, it's important to be honest and, yes, it's difficult to surrender an area that we don't want to surrender. May you be filled with His grace as you struggle through this!
ReplyDeleteluv,
tanon
I was a child whose parents didn't really want that much, but they had me...and my brother. They were really self absorbed and couldn't give much outwardly. You really seem like you love children and want them very much. I truly believe God knows this about you and He is faithful, but His ways are not our ways and His understanding is not ours. Choose a husband that loves children as much as you do and the Lord will supply the children...and who knows, maybe some will be children whose parents really don't want them that much and you will have a wonderful gift to offer. God knows!!!
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